reality check: 2 under 2 in a matter of months

i have enjoyed every single minute with my daughter, thus far. though there are times when i've simply wanted to cry my eyes out and run away, her presence is like a candle in a very dark room. she is my joy when i should be pulling my hair out, and my happiness when i should be crying.

nonetheless, the thought of welcoming another baby into our family is both exciting, but also somewhat disheartening. while i know that grace will greatly benefit from having a sibling --- and i am sure she is going to enjoy it very much; it is hard to accept that soon, i will have not one, but two beautiful children to love and cuddle and kiss. trust me, i am delighted.

but i also wonder --- will i love this baby as much as i love grace? will grace still know she is my girl, even as her father takes over the role as primary caretaker in those first few months, when this next baby is completely dependent on me? it makes me sad to know that when grace and i are snuggling in bed, there will often be another little one joining us. part of me, even now, feels like i have an intruder coming; this is interesting to me, as i never felt that way before grace was born. i never felt like she was intruding on chris and i's time --- so i am stumped as to why i feel this way now.

nevertheless, i must remember that babies sleep a lot and that there will still be plenty of time for grace and i to be alone; as will there be, i'm sure, time when this new baby and i will be alone... and somehow, i will sneak in time for chris and i to be alone. there's no intrusion; just an expansion of family, and thus an expansion of love. maybe the reason i am so concerned is because i wonder if this heart of mine can expand any more? i know it can. even now, i've bonded with this baby. i worry for this baby. i hope and pray for this baby. i can't wait to meet this baby and introduce this baby to her family. i think i am just afraid that i will not have enough love for everyone.

but that is silly. you don't divide your love between family members; your love grows to accommodate them all.

god, help my heart grow and give me the peace that i will have all the love i need.