into sexland, part deux.

i haven't posted about the book recently, so i figured i would crack it open again and give you another taste of Dr. Popcak's brilliant writing.

first, i have to admit: this book has already radically changed chris and i --- in many more ways than simply in bed. ultimately, i've been plenty happier with him the last few days; as well as with doing the chores, and playing with the dog. it's pretty impressive what happens when you realize there is so much more to your marriage than what you first thought.

so, Holy Sex. well, i know i said that the next time i wrote, i'd talk about infallible lovers and all those old lies that we've believed about what sex is intended to be.


Popcak has made us a recipe for making an Infallible Lover. here it is.

1 cup Love
1 cup Responsibility; with equal parts self-discipline and stewardship
1 cup Faith
1 cup Respect; with equal parts self-respect and respect for others
1 cup Intimacy; with equal parts verbal and emotional communication
1 cup Cooperation
1 cup Joy
1 cup Person hood; combined with a sense of being made in the image and likeness of God plus a heaping tablespoon of masculinity or femininity.

you might notice chastity isn't listed. well, that's because it is the mix. all those things - those are what makes a person chaste. see, chastity is less about "keeping it in your pants" and more about respecting the time, moment, place, and person when giving the gift of self. so, when you're married - the only person you should be giving the gift of self to is your spouse; at least in the degree that Popcak is speaking of. and there are places you clearly shouldn't give this gift; like on the subway, or on a park bench (although i'm sure we've thought about it at one time or another..)

so, that's what an infallible lover is. Popcak then includes a nice quiz to see where you are in the way of becoming an infallible lover --- i did relatively well. it's sorted into each of the "ingredients" to his recipe, so it flows easily, makes plenty of sense, and gives you a number scale to respond to; easy and straightforward. Total your score up, and Popcak has levels for the types of lover; starting with an infallible lover --- next, thoughtful lover (this is where i scored!), followed by a casual lover, and at the bottom of the list --- student of eroticism (ew!)

after that, he thoroughly explains each of the aspects to his recipe and gives ways to improve those places where you're lacking.

he closes the chapter with something that made me chuckle: "sexuality is more than something we 'do with our genitals'." ha. i giggled.

in the next chapter, he discusses what he calls the "sexuality continuum" --- which represents the five stages through which sexual attitudes evolve. this is where our distortions come in.

stage one: the negative materialists
these are the people who are scrupulous in the worst way. they view the body as this thing; a bad, bad thing that can only lead us into sin. the people who commonly fall into this group are the people who have suffered severe emotional traumas or grew up in an environment that punished more often than praised. Popcak adds that many "sex-addicts" actually fall into this group, because in an attempt to rid themselves of sex altogether, those repressions come out in the worst ways. this stage is filled with false beliefs and misconceptions; but, at its root, i believe it denies pleasure altogether; it fears pleasure, the body, and relationships with people on grounds that it will hurt, and it will do more damage than good. some people in this belief group strictly believe that sex is for making babies; so, the couple ends up abstaining for months and years, because they believe that having sexual pleasure is bad and that the only thing sex should be used for is procreation. however, just because they believe sex is for procreation does not mean that they do not suffer from eroticism. this stage of sexuality is still overcome with shame, is constantly withholding the self (LITERALLY), and is ultimately hurting rather than freeing a couple. Popcak suggests that the people who do fall into this category seek counseling, because it is not ignorance that causes this mindset, but woundedness.

stage two: the positive materialists
the people in this group believe that the body is still bad, but that sensuality is good. this skewed view believes that the mind should only settle on mystical things; ignoring that authentic happiness comes from meaningfulness, intimacy, and virtue --- and not just sensuality. people at this level have a hard time understanding that communication, service, and cooperation are just as important to a good marriage as a healthy sex life and intimacy. they come to rely on toys, S/M sex, open marriages and swinging in order to make their sex more interesting... but it actually ends up leading to eroticism, because sex is simply for pleasure and there is no intimacy involved!

stage three: the interpersonal stage
this stage is when we begin to step out of eroticism. the interpersonal stage is when a couple is capable of welcoming children and begins to set boundaries in an attempt to respect each other, prevent one from treating the other as objects, and still allows for an enjoyable sex life within those boundaries. couples within this stage may struggle with the unwillingness to perform sexual positions or other sexual acts, because one member might believe they are "unequal" or "submissive" (for example, "doggy style" or oral sex). the problem is only aggravated when the couple seeks to deal with these things as sexual issues, rather than an issues with deeper intimacy and finding equality in the relationship. for example, it makes sense that when a woman does all the chores and her husband sits on his butt all evening watching TV, that she might not want to be "subjected" any more --- so she would probably refused a position like "doggy style", which seems degrading at first thought. the second problem with this stage is that lovemaking is viewed as something to do rather than a priority, or something of serious importance to the relationship. so, when a couple is too tired or too stressed or too busy, sex is put at the bottom of the list of things to do... in turn, they also have problems making time for all other aspects of their marriage, like praying together, spending time together, talking, and enjoying one another.

stage four: the humanistic stage
the couple at this stage understands that sex is not just something they do, but part of who they are. this means that the couples at the humanistic stage would not think to neglect their sexual relationship; they give as much respect to their lovemaking as they did to their wedding day --- they would not think to delay simply because of exhaustion or stress. they understand sex to be a re-creation of their wedding day and a celebration of their marriage, and all they are to each other. there is always a passion to their sexuality; not so much in the way of "i am going to bend this way, and you can get in this way" legs-behind-your-neck acrobatics, as much as,  "i am so madly in love with you and i want to serve you in this way." couples at the humanistic stage don't view sex as "being dirty" or "naughty" or "nasty" (ha!) , despite the fact that it may involve interesting elements, it always allows the spouses to honor their godly natures.

stage five: HOLY SEX!
if you're like me, you know what i am thinking. FINALLY. it seems to take forever to get to this stage, but it is welcomed. couples enjoying holy sex understand that God is present in that bedroom (or living room, or bathroom, or kitchen..) and He is truly revealing Himself in an active and powerful way.  for these couples, lovemaking lends itself not only to self-revelation, but to divine revelation. it can make a couple become to connected and in understanding with God; it allows God to reveal his love for us in our marriages. couples who have holy sex experience a joyous vulnerability, which ultimately allows God to heal us through our spouses, in the weird ways... like your stretch marks! willing to turn on the lights and take off all your clothes so your husband can see them? let him love you; love your stretch marks; especially if they are post-partum --- those are the marks of you bearing his children! what's not to love about that, to a husband, who understands that those are the signs of the trial you endured to bring his children into the world. i promise, a man who is having holy sex with his wife will love you anyways. holy sex is when a couple is truly able to imitate the trinity; to have God actively involved; for the love that is shared between the husband, wife, and God can bring forth another person, who, nine months later, will be needing a name.

so. there you have it. that's part one of the book. next time we'll open up part two, which discusses the five powers of holy sex. this is the exciting stuff. it will make you want to have holy, hot sex till you drop.

(just said that.)

later, folks!